Common Problems Guys Have With Women
You know, my life is pretty interesting. Every day my mailbox gets flooded with questions from guys looking for help with women. And often times, I make time to respond (after all, I wish there was someone around when I was struggling with women I could email for advice!).
But some of the emails often cover the same problems, so I thought I’d share some of my responses with you in case you have a similar situation going on.
QUESTION:
I have always been afraid of asking girls out myself so I have my friends do it and she says no.If I asked them out myself do you think they might say yes?
Tim
Hi Tim,
Yes. Definitely. Without a doubt.
Women admire men who have the courage to ask them out, and they tend to not take the offer seriously if it’s done by a friend.
See, despite all you may hear about “women’s lib” and “the modern woman,” when it comes to the traditional dating roles, I’d say about 95% of women out there still subscribe to the traditional dating roles.
i.e. THEY WANT MEN TO ASK THEM OUT!
Remember that traditionally, it’s the man’s place to pursue a woman. And when you do this, you subcommunicate certain traits, such as courage, aggressiveness, power, strength, etc.
When you get other people to do your dirty work for you, it can come off as disingenuous, and undermine your credibility as a strong, sexually aggressive male.
Of course, no one likes to get rejected. But if you read a woman right, you’ll KNOW if she’s going to be willing to go out with you or not.
QUESTION:
Ok, I was at a club the other night. I walked passed this one woman and her friend. The one woman eyes and mine locked the whole way I walked by. A couple moments later, after my friend finally convinced me that she was into me, we walked up to them and asked them to dance. I felt we had a pretty good time dancing. She was grinding with me, and giving me “good dirty” looks. Afterwards, we ended splitting up, and then later on in the evening I tried talking to her, and everything I was saying to her she just was nodding off.She just wasn’t giving me that same attraction like she was before. I eventually got the point that she was no longer interested by her rude behavior, so I just walked away without saying anything else. Walking away though, I will admit, I felt as if I was walking away with my tail in between my legs. I am looking for a little advise on how I should have ended my “episode” with her. Humiliating her because of her lack of conversation skills would have made me felt better, but it isn’t like me, nor is it “gentleman-like.”
I would have liked to have just said one thing to her and walk away. The one thing I say to her though I would hope to be powerful enough for her to come looking for me again though, if you understand what I’m saying. Just because she treated me with immature arrogance doesn’t mean I should deny her a piece of this if she changes her mind later, lol. I guess, bottom line is this. I would like a “classy” line to give to a woman that was blowing me off, a line that could get her to come back to me. Thanks if you could offer any assistance.
Douglas
Hi Douglas,
It’s been my experience that if a woman is willing to dance with you (especially if she’s doing sexy things, like it seems she was doing to you), that’s usually a signal that she wants you to make a move and kiss her, or something similar to that.
The fact that you walked away after she was throwing all those “Go” signals your way may have told her that you either:
- weren’t into her or
- not ballsy enough for her.
So when you re-approached her later on, she had already decided to move on and try to find another guy, or at the very least disqualified you.
I don’t think this is a problem of rejection, rather, but a problem of noticing the signals a woman puts out when she wants you to make a move. In essence, you may have been the one who rejected her through your failure to act on the signals she was giving (it’s chick logic, don’t ask me why they see things that way, they just do).
Since you seem to be new to the bar/club scene, that may be why you passed up that opportunity. In the future, learn to act on it. And as for lines to walk away with, I always use this one:
“Pleasure meeting you.”
Simple. Easy. Effective.
QUESTION:
I have a situation for you man….Check this out. I’m don’t want to sound into myself. But I’m a pretty descent looking guy. But When I go to clubs or bars, I’m pretty selective with the woman I want to talk to. Just like we all are. But When I do decide to hit on a chick then I get a bunch of other guys trying to hit on the same one while I’m in action.
I take a glance around and Other guys are watching me work, and there are a lot of other woman around that these same guys can be doing there stuff with. The funny thing is these same guys didn’t give these woman any attention until I started talk to them.
Another situation that I noticed is if I approach a girl and she is be a hard nose I try an lossen her up and still nothing, I’ll walk away and no other guy will approach her, Don’t get me wrong it feels good when I get shot down and other guys get instantly discouraged and won’t approacher even when she looks around for a friendly face. But since I usually don’t have a wing man with me, how do I keep the others at bay while I work my angle. I thought maybe I’ll let these “followers” loose on another chick that I spoke with briefly, and then go hunting for the bigger game.But the other guys watching take it as me being shot down, so they still follow.
Very annoyed,
Kris
Hi Kris,
That’s on odd situation. You may be the **one** unlucky guy in the world who all the other guys in bars try to cockblock after doing all the hard work. =)
This is actually a pretty common situation. It happens to me and others I know all the time, so you’re not alone. The fact is, most beautiful women will be hit on regardless if they’re talking to another guy or not.
In a club, it’s more a game of keeping a girl isolated from other guys than it is actually picking them up.
When this happens, it’s best to get rid of the obstacle quickly and keep your girl isolated with you.
Sometimes it can be enough just to say “Excuse me, buddy, we were having a conversation here…” then turning your back to the guy and continuing your conversation with the girl you’re with.
Sometimes it’s best to befriend the guy quickly then send him on his way.
Another way is to put him in a “double bind” situation where he’s going to look like a tool. One I like to use is:
“Hey bro, don’t you have a girlfriend?”
If he says YES, then say:
“Dude, why aren’t you hanging out with her? Girls, don’t you think a boyfriend should pay attention to his woman instead of going out and talking to other girls?” (of course they’ll always say yes, and then the guy looks like a cheating boyfriend)
If he says NO, then say:
“Dude, what’s wrong? You’re a cool guy, I’m sure you can get any girl you want! Look, here’s one right here. I’ll help you…” (then proceed to try and get the girl you’re talking to to hook up with the guy by saying he’ll marry her, buy her expensive things, have kids with her, etc. About 99% of the time, the girl will not be into it and want to get away from the guy, and you make him look like your tool).
Just remember that when you go to a club to pick up a girl, you’ll need to be prepared to deal with “competition.”
QUESTION:
Dear Joseph,First off let me say thank you for all your wonderful advice that you give and I hope you continue to help us out. It really is a good thing your doing. now on to my question
I have confidence and I am not scared to talk to a girl but I realize there’s a difference between hi and actually approaching a girl in a way where you will get results. I cant think of any openers or anything to get a conversation stated and if I get rejected ain’t scared but I wanna know what to say when I meet a girl through a friend its so much easier but otherwise I’m screwed. and i go to a school where 90 percent of the girls are beautiful *im in college* help me! and how do I make being a big guy work for me *yea i’m husky lol*? I only tend to see these females with the pretty boys. help!
JP
Hi JP,
I’m husky too. My best advice on that is to just ignore it and go for what you want. Being a big guy may be more important to you than it is to women, so don’t let it slow you down. Remember that others don’t see the world the same way you do, and if you allow your insecurities to rule your world view, you’re going to be sabotaging yourself!
As far as openers to meet women, I give a ton out in my book:
Hey Joseph:It is tempting to believe that you wrote that book about me. I mean it covers all the stuff I have been dealing with. I know it will take sometime to get my “innergame” together however, I KNOW it will happen. Just started bootcamp today and I am doing great. My god, it’s like I believe that a beautiful woman could cast a spell on me or something. That is the crazy stuff that goes on in my head.Thanks to you, I know I can totally escape that HELL I was living in and start enjoying life - having success with beautiful women. Today is my birthday and I’m 42 - it ain’t ever too late, NEVER.Thanks,
Wayne
Hi Wayne,
That’s great! Keep up the good work! It’s never too late. You can achieve whatever you want to.
QUESTION:
Hey Mr. Matthews how are you doing?Your newsletters have many small concepts which we ignore and they become the pit in the end. You really give good suggestions. One example which I thought was about the “moving targets.” I never realized that before I read and imagined that it makes a lot of sense!
Right now I am in a confusion. I have a friend whom I used to talk when I was in her class during the Winter Semester but as of now the semester has ended and I want to go out with her.
The problem is that when I think of calling her to ask her out I feel stressed out and if I call under stress I am bound to mess it up. In order to avoid the stress I thought to text message her about the invitation.
Before I do that I want to consult you?
Thanks.
Farhaan
Hi Farhaan,
Personally, I’d do the phone call. The text message takes the situation out of your hands and puts the ball in her court, which can be a bad thing because if she doesn’t respond, you don’t know what’s going on. On the phone, you can gauge where’s she’s at and adjust if necessary.
If she’s your friend, just play it cool. I know you’re probably stressed because you’re worried about the outcome, but don’t think about her, think about the fun you’re going to have, with or without her. That should help.
QUESTION:
I am in love with a girl studying in my college. She is of my age and studying the same subject but not in my class.I dont know her name or any of her detail except for where she lives. She also don’t know anything about me. My objective is to make her my girlfriend. As far as I have noticed she doesn’t have any boyfriend.
I have subscribed to your 7 day crash course and after reading it I understood that I have to approach her and talk to her at any cost. But there was a problem. I am too nervous and afraid. In one of your letters you had said “Men would opt to fight in Iraq rather than talking to a beautiful woman.” Well that perfectly fits me. But after reading the letters sent by you I made my mind to talk to my dream girl. And as my luck would have it I saw her in the college near the water cooler a few days later. I decided to talk to her. But I soon got very very nervous. My hands got sweaty. In fact in the matter of seconds I was drenched in sweat. But still determined I approached her. She was standing alone. I said to her “Excuse me, I think I have seen you in Whitefield area”. The moment I told this I knew I have spoiled it. She was silent for a few moments and said “So..”, and she walked away.
My friends said that I should directly go up to her and say that I am interested in her.
Sumit
Hi there Sumit,
Let’s see what we can do here…
Okay, first of all, it’s okay to want to make her your girlfriend, but do yourself a favor:
STOP OBSESSING OVER HER.
She may be the girl of your dreams, but don’t just focus on her and only her. If you place too much importance on this girl, you’ll have a hard time getting her.
I want you to start pretending like you don’t like her!
That’ll be step #1.
After that, ask yourself: What is it that’s making you afraid to talk to her? Why are you feeling so nervous?
Then ask yourself: What bad things would happen to me if I talk to her?
See, here’s the deal. Something in your belief system is making you feel bad or expect to fail. You need to figure out what that is and train yourself to respond differently. I go into detail about how to do this in the new edition of my book.
Your opener wasn’t the best. You need to come up with something more open-ended or interactive. Remember: You must always have something to follow up with! Otherwise you’ll get the “So…” line again. One thing you could have said to her was “Hey, are you studying engineering? You look like an engineering girl.” Then she’d say “yes” “no” or “what do you mean by that?” Then you’d follow up with “You know, engineering girls always look all quiet and thoughtful, but then when they get out of school they’re like wild party monsters. Is that you?” Then riff from there. There’s lots of places you can go with it.
But you have to have something prepared! I’d recommend you practice on girls you don’t like as much so that when you see this girl next, you’re ready to talk to her.
As for walking up to her and telling her you’re interested, here’s my answer:
NO!!!!!
Don’t EVER do that! That’s the worst thing you could do.
Your first step is to meet her and talk to her a bit. If you can engage her in conversation, all the better. Get her laughing and having a good time. Then, ask her to join you for a cup of coffee. If she can’t do that, ask for her number. Then get her to hang out with you somehow. But NEVER tell her you’re interested in her! You want to keep that sexual tension bubbling. If you make your intentions clear, the girl is going to feel like you have ulterior motives for everything.
And if this doesn’t work out, just remember it’s not the end of the world. There are other girls out there for you to have a great time with. So don’t sweat this one. Just have fun.
I go over all sorts of tactics and techniques for meeting women in my book The Art Of Approaching. Not only that, but I give you all types of advice on how to read a womans body language so all the guess work is taken out of whether a girl likes you or not. In addition to that, you can learn how to flirt with a woman to build that sexual tension, and create amazing confidence in yourself so you don’t have to worry about rejection! If you haven’t read my book yet, be sure to check it out here:
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